


Everything is better with cats

by Ana (Anafandom)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cats, F/M, Fluff, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Team Tony, please read the warnings for chapter 2, there is lots of death though, there is no fluff there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-02-11 17:46:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12940467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anafandom/pseuds/Ana
Summary: What it says in the title.Or: Tony gets some feline friends.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AnonEhouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Fat Cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12675486) by [AnonEhouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse). 



> For AnonEhouse, who made this awesome Team Tony icon for me. Happy birthday! Hope you have a great day! :)
> 
> Inspired by AnonEhouse’s adorable Fat Cat, and sort of a sequel to it (well, more like a little scene in between chapters 1 and 2).

Tony walked into the Compound with a smile on his face and his best friend walking beside him. They were greeted by the enthusiastic staff, who were quick to update Tony on what had been going on since his last visit a week before.

Turning the Avengers Compound into an animal shelter had been one of his best ideas ever. Nothing could cure stress as fast and as easily as being surrounded by cute furry animals. It had done more for his emotional and psychological health than all the years of therapy he had tried before. It was his hope that others would be able to take advantage of the animals here for therapy as well.

“We have new residents, Mr Stark,” Joy, the head veterinarian told him. “Would you like to meet them?”

“Absolutely,” Tony replied, and off they went to the ‘birthing room’, where the animals were taken when it came time to deliver their offspring in order to be properly supervised should they require any assistance.

“There they are,” Joy said, pointing at the little bundles of fur happily nursing on their mommy.

There were six little puppies: two black ones, a dark brown one, a light brown one, one mostly white with black patches in random places and one white and brown. Mommy – an adorable black with white spots little mutt – was lying on her side quietly while the puppies crawled all over her (and each other) for the best feeding spot.

“They’re all perfectly healthy. We were a bit worried, given Bella’s condition when she arrived, but everything went fine. She’s doing quite well too.”

She certainly looked much better than a couple of weeks ago, when she’d been brought to the Compound, Tony thought. Instead of being left to fend for herself (and her puppies) out in the unforgiving world, Bella and her babies now had a home and people to care for them. Some of them might even end up adopted by a loving family.

Leaving Bella and her puppies to their feeding, Tony took Rhodey to his favorite place in the Compound.

“You gotta see this, Rhodey-bear,” Tony said, opening the door to what had been dubbed the ‘Cat Room’ – the all-cats Interaction Room (there was also a ‘Dog Room’, a ‘Chinchilla Room’ and a ‘Rabbit Room’). As soon as they stepped inside, they were surrounded by cats and kittens of all shapes and sizes. “Hello, my beauties.”

Tony sat down on the couch so the little guys could get closer. One yellow tabby named Trix immediately jumped on Tony’s shoulders while a black mutt called Xena climbed up his back and perched on his head, tail swishing by his left ear. Tony laughed, swarmed by cute warm balls of fur all vying for attention and cuddles – which Tony was only too happy to grant.

He heard the click of several photos being taken and a chuckle from Rhodey. “Okay, I’m sold. This place is awesome.”

“Come and join us them, Sugar-plum. They don’t bite.”

Rhodey sat down next to him and was overrun by cats in less than a minute.

A tiny Siamese kitten named Axl had a squeaky toy in his mouth, so Tony obligingly took it and gave it a good shake, making all the cats turn their heads attentively.

“You guys want this?” he asked, waving the toy high in the air. Several pairs of eyes tracked his every movement. However, before he had the chance to throw it, a sneaky grey Chartreax called Vicky jumped up and grabbed it from his hand. She landed gracefully and was off like a shot with her prize, half the cats in hot pursuit.

Deedee, a white Persian, took the opportunity to take the now vacant spot on his lap and bask in belly rubs. There were a couple of shier kittens that took their time coming closer. Tony waited with one hand outstretched until the little brown one sniffed and licked his hand while the other circled around to his other side and jumped up on the couch to perch behind his head.

Not long afterwards, Trix came back with some of the others to get some more cuddles from both Tony and Rhodey.

Tony could feel all the stress and anxiety from a week of dealing with the Accords people, the press and SI-related things melting away as the cats purred happily all around him. Maybe he’d take a couple of cats to the Tower one of these days. Dum-E and U might appreciate some feline companionship – Tony certainly would. It might even make it easier for him to sleep.

“You know,” Rhodey said, phone out to film some cats chasing and playing with each other around the room with one hand while the other petted the two kittens in his lap, “this place needs more advertising. I bet if I upload this video and the pictures I took of you covered in cats, this would make trending topic in hours.”

Tony thought about it. “Sure, why not? The more attention we get, the better.” After the so-called Civil War, he could do with some good publicity, and who could resist cute animals?

Later that evening, the Fat Cat Foundation was indeed a hot topic not just on social media but also the regular press. Pepper, who had still been keeping something of a cautious distance from Tony, showed up at the Tower with the pretense of talking about the new ‘cat project’ and ended up jumping him on the couch barely an half an hour into the conversation. Apparently Tony and cats made Pepper all hot and bothered. Who would have thought? Tony might finally get the chance to use that ring he’d had Happy carry around for years.

Yep, turning the Compound into an animal sanctuary was definitely the best idea he’d ever had.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday I got an anonymous comment saying this story was not up to my “usual vindictive standards” and that I’d missed an opportunity to slaughter the Avengers (Team Cap, I presume) in a blood bath. So, of course, I had to do just that. Ask and ye shall receive. Thank you, anonymous commenter. ;)
> 
> I gotta say, though, that I find it odd that a TeamCap troll would bother to comment on the ONE story I wrote that had NO MENTION of Team Cap AT ALL. It was just supposed to be a cute little fic about Tony and fluffy animals (as a gift to AnonEhouse). I just don’t get some people… *shakes head*
> 
> Anyway, WARNINGS for violence, blood and gore (and crack). This is NOT fluffy!
> 
> No animals were harmed in the making of this fic. Well, unless you consider TeamCap animals, in which case… Ooops. ;)
> 
> ETA: Thanks to Crosshairs's suggestion, added a line to the paragraph about Rogers's fate. ;)

The security cameras caught it all. From the time the ExVengers approached the Compound to when they left it – in rather a different state than upon arrival.

They came in from the south entrance. Rogers, Romanoff and Barton easily scaled the wall, but Maximoff, Wilson and Lang had to be helped along. Since the Compound no longer had anything to do with the Avengers, the heaviest security features had been disabled. Who would want to rob an animal sanctuary, after all? The people in charge had not expected, of course, that the ExVengers would have missed the news about the Compound’s change of function, or the giant new sign at the entrance, or even the lack of the Avengers logo. Then again, they had already proven that following the news wasn’t exactly their forte. In any case, the six fugitives were able to get inside without being zapped by the lasers that were no longer functional. They did, however, trigger the silent alarm that alerted the police and Tony Stark that someone had trespassed on the property.

It was night time (because of course that’s when criminals prefer to enter people’s homes, even if in this case it was no longer a home – not to people, anyway), so that might have explained why they didn’t notice anything was amiss. That or the fact that they weren’t really all that bright.

Maximoff was muttering under her breath, though the cameras weren’t sensitive enough to pick up the words. It was probably some variation of accusations against Tony Stark of being the source of all evil and how she was just a poor helpless victim who simply couldn’t control other people’s fears (even though that was her exact power. As mentioned previously, not that bright). The red mist around her hands, however, was very clearly visible even in the dark. It had kind of a sinister look, really (and she wondered what people could possibly have to be scared of…). As she walked through the wild animal portion of the Compound (the one at the south side), the malevolent and psychotic vibe she exuded was quickly felt by the animals. And they were not pleased in the least.

Maximoff was the first to go.

Patty the giraffe swooped down with her long neck and grabbed Maximoff by one arm. The woman screamed, alerting the others that something was wrong. It wasn’t enough to save her, though, as it all happened really fast. Quick as lightening, Patty tossed Maximoff through the air and into a neighboring enclosure, which happened to belong to Decker the rhino. As soon as Maximoff got shakily to her feet, she was impaled by the rhino’s huge horn, spraying blood everywhere from the massive hole in her chest. Such a shame.

Barton was next. He did not have his bow and arrow with him, so he had nothing to defend himself with when Ollie the elephant grabbed him and tossed him into Bobby the lion’s enclosure. Barton might have thought, given his experience in the circus, that he knew how to behave around dangerous animals to avoid being eaten. If so, he soon realized how mistaken he was. One powerful swipe of Bobby’s claw had Barton on the floor clutching his shredded stomach in agony, blood pooling beneath him. Then the lion pounced. By the time the police arrived there wasn’t much left of Barton. He had to be identified by dental records.

As Barton was being mauled by a lion, the others had already (finally) figured out there was something odd going on at the Compound. Wilson stood frozen in fear, staring at his fallen teammates’ mangled bodies. Romanoff, being the little turncoat she was, had taken off running back to the exit, as usual abandoning her teammates when it was no longer convenient to be around them. Unfortunately for her, she did not count on the rest of the animals, some of which were free to roam the Compound at night. Bonnie and Clyde, the kangaroos, caught up with her before she could climb the wall back out.

Now, kangaroos aren’t usually vicious animals, but these ones were pretty pissed about having their territory invaded and their minds messed with by Maximoff’s magic. One tail punch from Clyde made Romanoff go sprawling against the wall. Bonnie then used her legs to pound on the spy until she stopped moving. Job done, the two kangaroos high-fived each other, a trick their loving caretaker had taught them (and one that looked really adorable, despite the… uhm… circumstances).

Meanwhile, Lang had also fled in terror, though in his haste to leave he ended up going the wrong way and falling into the crocodiles’ pitch. There was even less of him to identify than Barton. The police had to test the (liters of) blood by the river for DNA.

Wilson was yanked out of his paralysis by, ironically enough, a flock of birds that descended on him and began pecking the hell of out him. Amongst them was an old falcon with a strained left wing that took a good chunk of his leg, prompting him to run (or wobble, really) blindly. He ended up by the grizzly bear enclosure. Normally, Mickey the bear was quite a friendly fellow, despite his species’ fearsome reputation, but Maximoff’s malevolent magic had stirred up all the animals and Mickey wasn’t inclined to be nice to intruders. Still, at least Wilson was left more or less in one piece, though it was hard to tell initially given all the blood (Mickey had hit the femoral artery, which made a big mess and established cause of death as massive blood loss.)

Steve Rogers had stood in confusion for a while as his friends were attacked by wild animals until his sense of righteous justice (or what passed for it in his tiny mind) had finally stirred him into action. Of course, by then it was rather too late to save any of them. Sadly, sometimes you just couldn’t save everyone. So Steve didn’t bother to help them, concentrating instead on reaching the actual Compound building. (Also, Bucky wasn’t there, and he was really the only person Rogers really cared about.)

He burst through the door yelling Tony’s name, apparently still operation under the delusional belief that everything was Tony’s fault somehow. The night staff had all run to hide, since they knew they wouldn’t be safe in Captain America’s path. (They’d take working with wild and dangerous animals over dealing with a man so arrogant he thought he knew better than 117 countries and so prone to violence he attacked anyone who dared disagree with him any day). The staff was worried about the animals, of course, but they hoped Rogers wouldn’t stoop so low as to harm defenseless cats and dogs.

They hadn’t counted on the cats and dogs not being quite so defenseless.

The sound of barking could be heard all over the Compound, yet Rogers didn’t pay attention, focused only on his goal, whatever it was. (Despite what wartime propaganda might have led the world to believe, the man was clearly far from a tactical genius.)

Rogers kicked open a door and was immediately swarmed by angry dogs, including a pit-bull named Rocky who had been rescued from an animal fighting ring. He was now a loving dog, but Rogers made his hackles rise and he attacked just the way he’d been taught to.

It is a well-known fact that animals can sense emotion and ill intent, and the dogs could all tell Rogers wasn’t there for playtime and cuddles, so they set out to defend their homes and caretakers the way all dogs will.

Rocky latched onto Rogers’s left thigh and clamped his jaw tight, making the super soldier howl in pain. Several other dogs took bites out of his calves and feet – or whatever body part they could reach.

Ginger the cat, who had snuck into the dogs’ room, pounced on Rogers and scratched at his head and eyes. Rogers screamed and tried to get the animals off, but they wouldn’t budge.

Rapid blood loss (Rocky had hit the femoral artery too, as it happened) made Rogers weaker and uncoordinated, and all the barking was giving him a headache. He finally managed to dislodge some of the dogs off, sending them crashing into walls with cries of pain, only to be hit by a volley of tranq darts. Three members of the staff had left their hiding place to protect the animals. The tranqs had been designed for bears and elephants, so several of them were more than enough to take Rogers down.

Fortunately, none of the dogs were seriously hurt, only a bit bruised. With Rogers unconscious (and the threat gone), they calmed down quickly and allowed their caretakers to tend to them and get them back into their beds.

The police and the Avengers arrived shortly after and dragged Rogers’s bloody form to a maximum security prison built specifically for enhanced criminals to await his trial. The rest of the ExVengers – what was left of them – were taken to a New York morgue. There wasn’t much in the way of investigation to do into their deaths, but the police was still interested in where the rogues had been all this time and why they had invaded the Compound.

It did not take long to find the shady motel they had rented in New York. Luckily for the police, some peeping tom had installed cameras in all the rooms (with audio as well), so they got everything they needed on the criminals’ motivations and plans. Maximoff and Barton had gone on long rants and threats against Tony and the members of the Accords Panel, who they blamed for their own criminal behavior (as criminals are wont to do). Rogers and Romanoff nodded along and made clear statements about wanting to take Tony and the Accords down by any means necessary. The videos were later leaked on YouTube, which meant they ExVengers weren’t particularly mourned when the public learned of their demise. In fact, some vengeful Nigerian and Romanian citizens celebrated their rather gruesome fate, saying they’d gotten exactly what they deserved.

Steve Rogers, the only surviving member of the ExVengers, was supposed to stand trial for his many crimes. However, that didn’t happen. Only a week into his prison stay, while his case was still being processed, he was ripped apart (quite literally, limbs went flying every which way, it was very bloody) by another enhanced criminal with super strength (and Rogers thought he was unique… yeah, right). When questioned, the man who killed him declared that he couldn’t stand listening to Rogers bemoaning about all the terrible injustices committed upon his person (made even worse by the high-pitched eunuch voice Rogers had after the dogs had gotten hold of certain body parts). The poor man had just wanted some peace and quiet.

The Fat Cat Foundation continued to operate as usual. They received hefty donations from many European and African governments, as well as some from former SHIELD agents who had finally gotten their revenge on the people who had betrayed them.

And thus our story ends, with quite a bit of death and blood (because that’s just how I roll, apparently).

 


End file.
